You Stupid Bitch!
SWFS 4 LIFE THEME SONG
CUT TO:
INT. TIA’S CONDO DAY
The condo is lavishly furnished. ERIN, JAM and TIA are standing in front of a large window that has a spectacular view of the Chicago skyline and Lake Michigan.
ERIN: This place is amazing.
TIA: I know right. It used to be my parents’ place but then my mom left my dad and my dad got a new girlfriend but she was all like “I don’t want to live in the same place as your wife” so they got a place across town and Dad gave this place to me because he didn’t want to sell it just in case Debs left him like Mom did.
ERIN: So we’re out if they break up?
TIA: Yeah. But they’ll never break up. Debs gave Dad “The Crawl.”
JAM: Sweet!
ERIN and JAM cross from the window and sit on the couch. TIA sits in the loveseat adjacent to the couch. JAM puts his feet up on the coffee table. ERIN slaps his leg and he puts his feet back on the floor.
TIA: So. The condo is paid for and the cable and the internet come with the building. So, I figure you two pay the light bill and we all chip in for food and household crap.
JAM: Deal.
ERIN: Keys?
TIA: They are on the way.
The sound of a buzzer fills the room. TIA jumps up.
TIA: They’re here.
TIA goes to the intercom by the front door and pushes a button then waits by the front door.
JAM: (to Erin) What room do you want?
ERIN: I don’t care.
JAM: Good. Cause I want the room with the view of the lake.
ERIN: Oh. I want that room.
JAM: I thought you don’t care
ERIN: I don’t.
There’s a hard knock at the door. JAM and ERIN watch as TIA opens the door. Standing outside the door is CARMEN. CARMEN is very upset.
TIA:(bubbly) Hi Carmen. How are you?
CARMEN: Whatever, Tia. Here’s your keys?
CARMEN hands TIA two sets of keys.
TIA: Thank you.
CARMEN: I left something valuable in what used to be my room. Can I go get it?
TIA: Sure
CARMEN enters. TIA closes the door. CARMEN walks past ERIN and JAM without speaking or looking their way. TIA, ERIN and JAM wait in silence. A couple minutes later CARMEN appears holding a large, bright yellow banana shaped pillow. She stops in front of ERIN and JAM.
CARMEN: (cordially) I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I’m Carmen.
ERIN: Hi Carmen. I’m Erin and this is Jam.
CARMEN: (confused) Erin? Jam? From Kleen Sweep?
ERIN: Well, yeah. Only we don’t really work…
CARMEN: (at Tia) What the hell are they doing here?
TIA: They’re my new roommates.
CARMEN: What?
JAM: She said we’re…
CARMEN: (to Jam) I heard her.
JAM: Oh.
ERIN and JAM exchange a look.
CARMEN: (to Tia) You kicked me and Melissa out so that they could move in?
TIA: Kinda.
CARMEN: Kinda? Mel and I just moved back in with our grandmother, Tia. I’d say that’s more than kinda.
TIA: Your grandmother’s place is nice.
CARMEN: Yeah. If you like the smell of cats and depression.
TIA: I’m sorry, Carmen. But my friends needed a place to stay.
CARMEN: Your friends? You said they hate you.
TIA: I said I think they hate me. And clearly, I was wrong. They’re here aren’t they?
CARMEN: They’re here cause of the condo.
TIA: They’re here cause they’re my friends.
CARMEN: You stupid bitch.
TIA gasps and burst into tears. ERIN and JAM leap up from the couch. They look at CARMEN. CARMEN is looking at TIA with a smug smile on her face. They look at TIA who is now sobbing into her hands. They look back at CARMEN.
ERIN: Jam. (pointing to Tia) Hug her.
JAM crosses to TIA and opens his arms which are immediately filled with TIA’s entire being.
ERIN: Carmen. The only stupid bitch here is me. Because if I was smart, I’d leap over this coffee table and slap the piss out of you.
CARMEN is taken aback. ERIN crosses to the front door and opens it.
ERIN: Now. I think it’s time for you and your banana to get the hell out of our condo.
CARMEN exits and ERIN slams the door behind her.
ERIN: (to Tia) Did you really put her out for us?
TIA still holding JAM lifts her head and nods in the affirmative.
ERIN: You’re a good friend, Tia. Damn good friend.
TIA lets go of JAM and goes to give ERIN a hug. ERIN extends her arm and stops TIA before she can hug her.
ERIN: No.
TIA: Okay.
TIA turns around and hugs JAM again. ERIN exits and goes to her room. the frame. TIA continues to hug JAM After a minute or two, JAM releases his hold on TIA. TIA continues to hug him.
JAM: Tia.
TIA: Yes, Jam.
JAM: You can let go now.
TIA: Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. CONDO. LATE NIGHT
ERIN, JAM and TIA are on the couch. They are drinking wine. TIA is sitting in the middle.
TIA: I’m so happy you’re here.
ERIN: We’re happy too.
TIA: We’re going to have so much fun together.
ERIN: That’s great.
TIA: And just so you know I got your backs.
JAM: What?
TIA: I got your backs.
JAM: Seriously?
ERIN and JAM get up and exit the frame leaving TIA sitting on the couch smiling. A minute or two later, Tia reaches under the center couch cushion and pulls out a Kahr K9. She releases the clip and looks at it. It’s engraved “From Daddy with Love.”
TIA: Seriously.
TIA reloads the clip and puts the pistol back under the couch cushion. She grabs her glass of wine, leans back, takes a sip and starts smiling.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS
Walk-In Closets
SWFS 4 LIFE THEME SONG
DISSOLVE IN:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
ERIN and JAM are sitting at a table drinking coffee and reading magazines.
ERIN is seated to the right. JAM is to the left. They are at a table furthest from the door and behind them the entire coffee shop is visible.
As ERIN and JAM eat in silence, TIA enters the coffee shop and takes a seat at a table closest to the door.
Four seconds later, TIA gets up and moves to a table closer to ERIN and JAM.
Four seconds after that, TIA gets up and moves to yet another table closer to ERIN and JAM. She is unnoticed by the two.
Shortly, after the last move by TIA, ERIN finishes her coffee and slides her mug to the edge of the table. TIA immediately jumps up, grabs the empty mug and takes it to the counter for a refill.
ERIN: (without looking up) Thank you.
JAM: You know that’s Tia, right?
ERIN: Shut up!
ERIN turns around and makes eye contact with TIA.
TIA waves.
ERIN: Episode forty-three.
JAM: FS.
ERIN: TFS.
TIA returns, hands the refilled mug to ERIN, grabs a chair from another table and joins ERIN and JAM
TIA: Hi Erin. Hi Jam.
ERIN/JAM: Hi. Tia
TIA: What are we doing?
ERIN: What are you doing?
TIA: I’m on my lunch break and I usually have lunch with Charles but…
ERIN: I mean what are you doing here?
TIA: I came to see you guys.
JAM: How did you know we’d be here?
TIA: You’re always here.
ERIN: Did you follow us here?
TIA: Not today.
JAM: Awesome.
TIA: So, what are we doing?
ERIN: (Motioning to JAM) We are trying to figure out our living situation.
TIA: I thought we were moving into a new place.
ERIN: (Motioning to JAM and herself) We were. But no Kleen Sweep, no apartment. (to JAM) I was really looking forward to moving.
JAM: You. I am so ready to leave home.
ERIN: You. Living at home makes me fat.
JAM: You. My mom makes everything with Crisco.
ERIN: Your mom does fry everything.
JAM: At least my mom doesn’t buy generic sodas.
ERIN: Hey! I love Diet Dr. Thunder.
ERIN and JAM exchange angry looks.
TIA: You guys can come live with me.
ERIN and Jam remain silent.
TIA: I have two empty rooms.
ERIN and JAM remain silent.
TIA: It would be so awesome. We could hang out and watch TH and do all the other stuff we like to do.
ERIN and JAM remain silent.
TIA: It’s a great condo. It’s on the tenth floor and it faces the lake. There’s three bedrooms, two and half baths, stainless steel kitchen, washer and dryer, walk-in closets…
ERIN/JAM: Shut up!
TIA: Okay.
ERIN: No. I mean, walk-in closets? Shut up.
TIA: Yeah. Every room has walk-in closets.
JAM: Every room?
TIA: Yeah.
ERIN, JAM and TIA sit in silence for a minute or two.
ERIN: (Motioning to Jam) We need to talk.
JAM: FS.
ERIN: (to Tia) Alone.
TIA gets up and moves to a seat by the door. She watches ERIN and JAM with her fingers crossed and rocking.
ERIN: I don’t appreciate you bringing up my mother.
JAM: She does buy a lot generic soda.
ERIN: I know she does. But you know I don’t like her. Why would you even bring her up?
JAM: Cause you brought up mine.
ERIN: You brought yours.
JAM: Did I?
ERIN: FS. “My mom makes everything with Crisco.”
JAM: She does.
ERIN: She totally does. Does she do Twinkies?
JAM: I wish. I love Twinkies.
ERIN: You. Me.
JAM: Let’s go get Twinkies.
ERIN: Let's.
ERIN and JAM get up and turn towards the exit. They see TIA and sit back down.
ERIN: Okay, you be pro, I’ll be con. Go.
JAM: Walk-in closets.
ERIN: Tia.
JAM: Walk-in closets.
ERIN: Living with Tia.
JAM: Walk in closets
ERIN: Being around Tia.
JAM: Walk-in closets.
ERIN: Tia being around.
JAM: Walk-in closets.
ERIN: I can’t live in a walk-in closet.
JAM: I can. My room at home is a closet.
ERIN: FS.
JAM: TFS.
ERIN shrugs.
JAM: I really need to move out of my mother’s house.
ERIN: You. Me. But that doesn’t mean moving in with Tia.
JAM: Yes. It does. We have no money, no jobs and no offers from our other friends.
ERIN: We don’t have other friends.
JAM: Exactly.
ERIN shrugs.
JAM: I’m sure Tia is quite lovable once you get past the whole annoying thing.
ERIN: Whatevs.
JAM: Fine. Stay at home and get fat.
ERIN: No.
JAM gives ERIN a look.
ERIN: Fine.
JAM motions to TIA. TIA scurries to the table and takes a seat.
JAM: We’re in.
TIA: Yay.
JAM: Maybe we should exchange numbers and…
TIA: I have your number.
JAM: Oh.
TIA: Yours too, Erin.
ERIN moans.
TIA: I have some things I need to clear out before you guys actually move in so how about you give me a day or two?
JAM: Okay.
TIA: Great. I’m excited.
TIA gets up from the table.
TIA: Bye…Roomies!
JAM: Bye.
ERIN remains silent and waves as she and JAM watch TIA exit the coffee shop.
ERIN: She has my phone number.
JAM: I promise she’ll grow on you. Like K-Cav did.
A man and woman walk into the coffee shop holding hands. They both have long hair in ponytails.
ERIN: You think they fight over scrunchies?
JAM: FS
ERIN: TFS.
CUT TO:
EXT. COFFEE SHOP DAY
TIA is standing in front of the coffee shop. She pulls out her phone and hits a number on speed dial.
TIA: (into phone) Hi. Carmen? It’s Tia. You and your sister need to move out. Today. Okay. Bye.
TIA hangs up the phone, looks back at ERIN and JAM through the coffee shop window and starts clapping.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS
Today Is The Day
SWFS 4 LIFE THEME SONG
DISSOLVE IN:
INT. CALL ROOM – DAY
Call room for Kleen Sweep, Inc. Seated at the large table are 8-10 call representatives each with a land line phone, a stack of leads and order forms. They are all making cold calls.
At the center of the table seated across from one another are ERIN and JAM. Next to ERIN is a call rep TIA. TIA is pretending to make cold calls but is really listening to ERIN and JAM’s conversation.
ERIN: It’s on bitch.
JAM: Mess with me, I mess with you.
ERIN: It’s on bitch.
JAM: Mess with me, I mess with you.
ERIN: It’s on bitch.
JAM: I’m telling you episode eighty-two is Mess with me, I mess with you. Look it up on your phone.
ERIN: I don’t have internet on my phone.
JAM: Why not?
ERIN: Cause it’s a phone. Does yours have internet?
JAM: Yes.
ERIN: Do you use it?
JAM: No.
ERIN: Why not?
JAM: Cause it’s a phone.
ERIN shrugs.
TIA: I can look it up.
Erin: Do it. (turning to JAM) It’s on bitch.
TIA: Jam is right, though. Episode eighty-two is Mess With Me, I Mess With You.
JAM: FS
TIA: TFS
ERIN: NTFS. Do you even know what we’re talking about?
TIA: TH.
JAM: Greatest show ever.
TIA: FS
JAM: TFS
ERIN: NTFS. You never talked to me about TH before.
TIA: You never talked to me before.
ERIN: Never?
TIA: Once.
ERIN: What did I say?
TIA: “Move.”
ERIN shrugs.
JAM: Episode sixty-four?
TIA: Back to New York.
JAM: Episode forty-two?
TIA: Back to LA.
JAM: Episode eighty-five?
TIA: Sorry Boo, Strike Two.
JAM: I had no idea you like TH.
TIA: I love it. I own every season on DVD. It’s all I ever watch.
JAM: You don’t watch anything else?
TIA: No. I haven’t watched anything else since June 13, 2010.
ERIN: The day TV died.
ERIN, JAM and TIA bow their heads in silence. ERIN and JAM look up at each other. TIA’s head remains down.
JAM: Maybe she’s one of us.
ERIN: Yeah and maybe you’re one of them.
ERIN’s phone vibrates. ERIN looks at her phone and ignores the text.
JAM: Mitch?
ERIN: Isn’t it always?
JAM: What now?
ERIN: “Magazines are not reading.”
JAM: Magazines are so reading.
ERIN: That’s what I said but he was like “if it’s not a book it’s not worth reading.”
TIA: I love magazines.
JAM: Did you tell him you read the LA CANDY trilogy?
ERIN: Yeah, but he said…
TIA: Those books are awesome.
JAM: Totz.
ERIN: He said LC isn’t a real writer.
JAM: Whatevs. He’s not a real writer. How long has he been working on that novel?
ERIN: Forevs. A book about talking books. What a great stupid idea.
TIA: FS
JAM: TFS.
ERIN: Why do you encourage her?
Enter CHARLES the shift supervisor. CHARLES is holding a stack of invoices.
CHARLES: Well, look who’s not working?
TIA jumps back on the phone. ERIN and JAM look around at the other call reps. ERIN points to CHARLES.
CHARLES: Hilarious. (waving a stack of order forms at JAM) Can you explain these to me?
JAM: Those are order forms. See, when a customer wants their chimney swept, I fill out a…
CHARLES: I know what these are. (reading through forms) Claudio, Victor, LaFred, Kendrell, Permala?
ERIN: Yes!
CHARLES: What the hell kind of name is that?
JAM: I think Victor is Latin.
CHARLES: How many times do I have to tell you that around here you use your real name.
JAM: You want me to use my real name?
CHARLES: Yes.
JAM: My real name?
CHARLES: Yes.
ERIN: What a great stupid idea.
CHARLES: (pointing at Erin) Hey, nobody is talking to you. Though he refuses to use his real name at least Permala over here gets orders.
ERIN: I get orders. I got an order yesterday.
CHARLES: Let me guess. Your grandfather’s house again?
ERIN: He likes a clean chimney.
CHARLES: I like a clean chimney.
TIA: Your condo doesn’t have a chimney.
ERIN and JAM look at TIA, then back to CHARLES, then to each other.
ERIN: Ew.
CHARLES: You know who does have a chimney? (points to stack of leads) They do. So get on the phone and book a job that you’re not related to.
ERIN shrugs.
CHARLES: (to Jam) And you start using your real name. If I see one more invoice with a make believe name…
ERIN: I quit.
TIA: NO!
CHARLES: What did you say?
TIA: I said “NO!”
ERIN: I said, I quit. I don’t need this crap.
ERIN picks up the stack of leads and slams them back onto the table. She gets up from the table and heads for the door. ERIN stops and goes back to the table and grabs a bag of Swedish Fish.
ERIN: And I’m taking the fish with me.
ERIN walks to the front door then turns around to address the entire room.
ERIN: This job is the worst job ever. There’s no benefits. No growth. No diet sodas. And who even owns a chimney?
TIA: Your grandfather owns a chimney
ERIN: Episode fifty-one?
TIA: We’ll never be friends.
ERIN: Exactly.
TIA puts her head down.
ERIN: I’m leaving this craphole. I’m going to do something awesome with my life. And if you had any sense, you’d leave this craphole and do something awesome with your life. We should all leave this craphole and do something awesome with our lives. So, who’s going with me?
All of the call reps except JAM and TIA ignore ERIN and continue making cold calls. TIA and CHARLES exchange glances. JAM stands up.
JAM: I’ll go.
ERIN: Jamone Jermaine Jackson, thank you.
JAM: Erin Enniscorthy Greene, really?
ERIN shrugs.
TIA: My middle name is Tia too.
JAM walks past CHARLES, waves, then he and ERIN walk out the front door.
CHARLES: They’ll be back.
CHARLES goes over to the call rep table. He picks up ERIN and JAM’s stack of leads and drops them all in front of TIA then exits. TIA sits staring at the door.
CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ERIN and JAM are standing in front of the building that houses Kleen Sweep. They are eating Swedish Fish.
ERIN: I’m starting to realize that I’m not really good at this whole working thing.
JAM: I hate working. I wish I could just sing and dance my way through life. I’d be rich.
ERIN: I’ve heard you sing. Middle class. Maybe.
JAM: Whatevs.
ERIN: I wish I could just get paid for being glamorous.
JAM: That would awesome.
ERIN: FS
JAM: TFS. (beat) Now what?
ERIN: Coffee?
JAM nods. ERIN and JAM walk down the street and turn the corner at the end of the block.
TIA emerges from office building just in time to see ERIN and JAM turn the corner. TIA follows after them.
FADE OUT
Roll credits
DISSOLVE IN:
INT. CALL ROOM – DAY
Call room for Kleen Sweep, Inc. Seated at the large table are 8-10 call representatives each with a land line phone, a stack of leads and order forms. They are all making cold calls.
At the center of the table seated across from one another are ERIN and JAM. Next to ERIN is a call rep TIA. TIA is pretending to make cold calls but is really listening to ERIN and JAM’s conversation.
ERIN: It’s on bitch.
JAM: Mess with me, I mess with you.
ERIN: It’s on bitch.
JAM: Mess with me, I mess with you.
ERIN: It’s on bitch.
JAM: I’m telling you episode eighty-two is Mess with me, I mess with you. Look it up on your phone.
ERIN: I don’t have internet on my phone.
JAM: Why not?
ERIN: Cause it’s a phone. Does yours have internet?
JAM: Yes.
ERIN: Do you use it?
JAM: No.
ERIN: Why not?
JAM: Cause it’s a phone.
ERIN shrugs.
TIA: I can look it up.
Erin: Do it. (turning to JAM) It’s on bitch.
TIA: Jam is right, though. Episode eighty-two is Mess With Me, I Mess With You.
JAM: FS
TIA: TFS
ERIN: NTFS. Do you even know what we’re talking about?
TIA: TH.
JAM: Greatest show ever.
TIA: FS
JAM: TFS
ERIN: NTFS. You never talked to me about TH before.
TIA: You never talked to me before.
ERIN: Never?
TIA: Once.
ERIN: What did I say?
TIA: “Move.”
ERIN shrugs.
JAM: Episode sixty-four?
TIA: Back to New York.
JAM: Episode forty-two?
TIA: Back to LA.
JAM: Episode eighty-five?
TIA: Sorry Boo, Strike Two.
JAM: I had no idea you like TH.
TIA: I love it. I own every season on DVD. It’s all I ever watch.
JAM: You don’t watch anything else?
TIA: No. I haven’t watched anything else since June 13, 2010.
ERIN: The day TV died.
ERIN, JAM and TIA bow their heads in silence. ERIN and JAM look up at each other. TIA’s head remains down.
JAM: Maybe she’s one of us.
ERIN: Yeah and maybe you’re one of them.
ERIN’s phone vibrates. ERIN looks at her phone and ignores the text.
JAM: Mitch?
ERIN: Isn’t it always?
JAM: What now?
ERIN: “Magazines are not reading.”
JAM: Magazines are so reading.
ERIN: That’s what I said but he was like “if it’s not a book it’s not worth reading.”
TIA: I love magazines.
JAM: Did you tell him you read the LA CANDY trilogy?
ERIN: Yeah, but he said…
TIA: Those books are awesome.
JAM: Totz.
ERIN: He said LC isn’t a real writer.
JAM: Whatevs. He’s not a real writer. How long has he been working on that novel?
ERIN: Forevs. A book about talking books. What a great stupid idea.
TIA: FS
JAM: TFS.
ERIN: Why do you encourage her?
Enter CHARLES the shift supervisor. CHARLES is holding a stack of invoices.
CHARLES: Well, look who’s not working?
TIA jumps back on the phone. ERIN and JAM look around at the other call reps. ERIN points to CHARLES.
CHARLES: Hilarious. (waving a stack of order forms at JAM) Can you explain these to me?
JAM: Those are order forms. See, when a customer wants their chimney swept, I fill out a…
CHARLES: I know what these are. (reading through forms) Claudio, Victor, LaFred, Kendrell, Permala?
ERIN: Yes!
CHARLES: What the hell kind of name is that?
JAM: I think Victor is Latin.
CHARLES: How many times do I have to tell you that around here you use your real name.
JAM: You want me to use my real name?
CHARLES: Yes.
JAM: My real name?
CHARLES: Yes.
ERIN: What a great stupid idea.
CHARLES: (pointing at Erin) Hey, nobody is talking to you. Though he refuses to use his real name at least Permala over here gets orders.
ERIN: I get orders. I got an order yesterday.
CHARLES: Let me guess. Your grandfather’s house again?
ERIN: He likes a clean chimney.
CHARLES: I like a clean chimney.
TIA: Your condo doesn’t have a chimney.
ERIN and JAM look at TIA, then back to CHARLES, then to each other.
ERIN: Ew.
CHARLES: You know who does have a chimney? (points to stack of leads) They do. So get on the phone and book a job that you’re not related to.
ERIN shrugs.
CHARLES: (to Jam) And you start using your real name. If I see one more invoice with a make believe name…
ERIN: I quit.
TIA: NO!
CHARLES: What did you say?
TIA: I said “NO!”
ERIN: I said, I quit. I don’t need this crap.
ERIN picks up the stack of leads and slams them back onto the table. She gets up from the table and heads for the door. ERIN stops and goes back to the table and grabs a bag of Swedish Fish.
ERIN: And I’m taking the fish with me.
ERIN walks to the front door then turns around to address the entire room.
ERIN: This job is the worst job ever. There’s no benefits. No growth. No diet sodas. And who even owns a chimney?
TIA: Your grandfather owns a chimney
ERIN: Episode fifty-one?
TIA: We’ll never be friends.
ERIN: Exactly.
TIA puts her head down.
ERIN: I’m leaving this craphole. I’m going to do something awesome with my life. And if you had any sense, you’d leave this craphole and do something awesome with your life. We should all leave this craphole and do something awesome with our lives. So, who’s going with me?
All of the call reps except JAM and TIA ignore ERIN and continue making cold calls. TIA and CHARLES exchange glances. JAM stands up.
JAM: I’ll go.
ERIN: Jamone Jermaine Jackson, thank you.
JAM: Erin Enniscorthy Greene, really?
ERIN shrugs.
TIA: My middle name is Tia too.
JAM walks past CHARLES, waves, then he and ERIN walk out the front door.
CHARLES: They’ll be back.
CHARLES goes over to the call rep table. He picks up ERIN and JAM’s stack of leads and drops them all in front of TIA then exits. TIA sits staring at the door.
CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
ERIN and JAM are standing in front of the building that houses Kleen Sweep. They are eating Swedish Fish.
ERIN: I’m starting to realize that I’m not really good at this whole working thing.
JAM: I hate working. I wish I could just sing and dance my way through life. I’d be rich.
ERIN: I’ve heard you sing. Middle class. Maybe.
JAM: Whatevs.
ERIN: I wish I could just get paid for being glamorous.
JAM: That would awesome.
ERIN: FS
JAM: TFS. (beat) Now what?
ERIN: Coffee?
JAM nods. ERIN and JAM walk down the street and turn the corner at the end of the block.
TIA emerges from office building just in time to see ERIN and JAM turn the corner. TIA follows after them.
FADE OUT
Roll credits
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)