October 3, 2018

I feel like writing in the morning makes this feel like less of a diary and more like an exercise in writing. Though I can't imagine not writing about the events of the day before. Or days rather. I don't know if I have achieved a level of consistency yet. Oh god am I writing about writing?

Most recently there was an issue with my daughter and school and phones calls and the take away was that my kid feels pressure. That she needs to know what she wants to do in life and she needs to start preparing for those things and man what a load of crap that is. Who ever thought that I would be telling a 15 year old that you don't have to have life figured out by 15. Hell, I'm three times that age and I don't have life figured out.

This is also why I hate the modern school system and why I left teaching and why I will never go back. I love to teach and thank the universe that I found the opportunity to teach adults comedy. This thing they do to kids in schools is horrible. They use money to motivate - which is sick cause every single person there would leave that place for more dough - and they drive children towards college - which defeats the motivation cause damn near all the "rich" folk from Bill Gates to Jay-Z are college dropouts.

I don't really give a damn about education reform but I do care about my kid and so now I have to make a concerted effort to counter the brainwash that is happening at her school. It's unfortunate that schools are more invested in producing worker bees than intelligent socially conscious human beings.

Also, dating sucks. Give. That. Up.

October 2, 2018

Claude says, "Those that are more concerned with who Claude is rather than what Claude says are those seeking messengers rather than messages."

This particular saying by Claude is a constant reminder to me that not everyone is looking for the same things. Some are looking for messages and some are looking for messengers. I guess for some separating the two is difficult. I mean, no one falls in love with the mailman when she delivers the thousand dollar check, yet some have fallen so in love with the various prophets we have seen that they have completely forgotten the prophecies.

More in the middle, I think about how much music is tainted by the artist or how the wisdom of some of our wisest elders is ignored because he or she did such and such.

No judgment. I won't say one is better than the other. I will say for me the messages are more important than the messenger. Messengers come and go. Messages are eternal.

September 24, 2018

I am a gumbo of emotions and it's almost too much to deal with. In fact, it is too much to deal with and since I don't have a legit off day until October 2nd, I am not dealing at all. I have too much work to do.

I am overjoyed with the show and the process and I am mentally consumed with that. I went to bed with running order on the mind and I awoke with running order on the mind. I saw a show last night and while there saw a couple directors in the biz which reminded me of my running order.

I caught an eye. A wink. A potential invitation for a hello and I walked away.

The last thing she said to me before she left was "you're a bad person. Stay out of people's lives." and ever since then, that statement has run on repeat in my mind. "Stay out of people's lives." It's a thing.

I have internalized this statement. I have come to believe that I AM a bad person and I have resolved to do good things. And one of those good things is staying out of people's lives. I am already taking Too Short's advice and I have stopped trying to fuck. Literally and figuratively. I don't pop like I used to. Hell, I don't pop at all. Like what would be the point? A hello or a hey how ya do or a want to hang out some time can only lead to the door that opens up to a life in which I am determined to stay out of. So, no.

I think I am stress eating which is good cause I never eat. I want to eat healthier cause that's a thing but for now I am just happy that I am eating. I stepped on a scale yesterday and I am not where I thought I was. I scaling is a weird habit and I don't do it often but I did yesterday.

I found a place with adult open gym gymnastics and I am extremely excited about this find. I don't have the time now but when things slow up, I am going to start going. I did a back flip the other day and the landing was bad. I landed like spider man style and it was far from a stick. I want to be able to stick the landing. I want to be confident. I want to be able to do one anywhere and everywhere and it be tight.

I just want things to be cool. And it seems that the uncool keeps happening. I am so bummed by the level of uncool that I am dealing with right now and I don't even know if I am dealing with it properly because I legit don't have the brain space. I can think about is running order.

And rehearsal tomorrow.

And rehearsal Thursday.

And the show Friday.

And Saturday.

And Sunday.

And...

September 19, 2018

I had a meeting with a producer yesterday and she said, "you have declared your intentions and now there is no need to continue declaring" and while it made perfect sense and I got all of it, I wondered, "is that a thing?"

Are there those who continue to declare their intentions. Obviously there must be otherwise I wouldn't have gotten the pro-tip. And as I am writing I am thinking of my homeboy who the for the last 20 years has told me consistently about his plan to take over the world. So, yes, I guess these people do exist.

I have no intention of being a sayer, I intend to be a doer. And I just said that so I guess I don't need to say it again.

Web Log

Web log.

That's what this is and that's what I have to remind myself every time I open this thing to write in it. That this is a web log. Like the captain's log on Star Trek only I don't meet crazy aliens in deep space nor do I have invaders on my ship.

I have children who need braces and graphing calculators and I have friends who live outta town and want to know why I chose Twitter as my only social media and I have new friends in the directing program and I have a neighbor who believes the Russians are after him and I have things that dance in my head and one of those things is the idea that "no one gives a damn about your life so why are you keeping a log?"

I honestly don't know. I like to write. I like to tell stories. I like word play. And I like the idea that thousands of years from now long after I am gone and my remains are dust that this, this web log, might still exist. This may be the only thing I leave behind that could stand the test of time. 

Maybe?