5.12.17

Dear You Want Some

Dear You Want Some,

Fuck you! I didn't.

I did not want some. And yet, you chased me down, slammed me up against the wall and gave me some anyway.

You kicked the shit out of me. Literally.

I had never shit myself before. I mean of course as a baby but at the time of the jumping I was ten and shit-pants-less.

I remember walking home slowly and waddling up the stairs and crying because I had gotten beat up and all I wanted to do was change clothes.

But I couldn't because Big Tee was there. Big Tee was desperate to prove to my lesbian mother that he the man that was going to keep her straight so he was like over-man.

Big Tee saw me crying and demanded to know what happened and when I told him he inquired,

"Where these motherfuckers at?" and when I said the school yard, he grabbed my hand and lead me back to the school yard.

You weren't there. Big Tee was not satisfied. With Big Tee leading, I walked around the neighborhood for forty-five minutes looking for you...with shit in my drawls.

The crazy thing is I have never been mad at you. I mean I curse you every time I see my disfigured rib in the mirror but no anger.

Maybe because The Town was rough. Maybe because there's the jumper and the jumpee and I just happened to be the latter. Maybe after spending a total of seventy-nine minutes with my own feces I just don't care about you anymore.

I hope you are still alive. I hope your beating up on others thing didn't become a lifestyle and now you are dead or in jail for it. What I hope most is that your son doesn't ever experience his dad the way I did. It sucked.

Take care.

Bye!

1.10.17

Dear Crazy Pants

Dear Crazy Pants,

How are you? How's life? I think about you sometimes. I think I owe you $500.

Being a believer was hard for me. Not hard in the practice was hard or the discipline was hard. Hard in the sense that I am an American, Crazy Pants and if I am going to be a believer I am going to be an American one.

I can keep my head covered with a baseball cap. I can be modest in jeans and a button down. Why must I wear a throbe? By the way, throbes are hot as fuck. And I don't hot like oh he's so sexy going to prayer hot I mean hot like heat. Like why is there so much wool in The Way? Isn't it a desert religion?

I love The Way. I really do. I still read The Quran - I have a version that took all the transliteration out so I can read it without seeing Arabic words. I like that.

I prolly won't ever go back, Crazy Pants. I am so far away from being right. I feel like Hades awaits me and I'm just delaying the inevitable by living. And I don't think The Way can save me.

Plus, fuck throbes. Seriously, The Way needs a serious fashion makeover. Stat.

Take care, Crazy Pants.

Bye!

25.9.17

Dear Dude I did the Bud Select CrowntownTv thing with that I just saw on an Law & Order rerun

Dear Dude I did the Bud Select CrowntownTv thing with that I just saw on a Law & Order rerun,

Fuck you!

We had a sweet fucking deal. After getting paid $5000 plus hotel, travel and per diem to improvise - that's right  improvise - they came back and asked us to do it again for $7000.

Sweet fucking deal.

But you. You signed a pilot deal. You were big time now and so now you wanted $11,000. To improvise.

I get it. I am all about know your worth. I preach get paid. Make money. Fuck being broke. And your The Office but in an ad agency pilot was good. I know you showed it to us. All.

But asking for $11,000 to improvise for an animated web series was too much. Especially knowing the game. Agents talk. As soon as you asked, we all asked and the budget went from $35,000 to $55,000 plus hotel and travel and per diem...to improvise.

And if believe the narrative that we got dropped because the couldn't afford it you're an idiot. The very next Bud Select campaign was Jay-Z and I know damn well he didn't do that shit for $55,000.
We got dropped because you asked for too much to improvise. I am not shitting on improv. Love it. Teach it. But it is the sex of theater. Everyone can do it.

And there are humans of every race, religion, gender, sexual orientation and Creed literally blowing trolls for a chance to improvise and we got offered $7,000 to do it. You take that.

I forgive you. I am no longer angry. Looking back I am glad we didn't do that gig. I was really into partying then and I can only imagine how much blow I would have bought after making $7000 to improvise.

And you taught me something. You taught me we are not alone. Your choice affected four other actors, four agents, a director, an editor and web designer and countless other humans who worked the project. I am always mindful of how my choices in this biz affect more than just me.

I hope you are somewhere living your best life. I hope every know and then you go on YouTube and you search CrowntownTv and you watch a video - Hot Tub is still my favorite and you remember that time you got paid $5000 to improvise.

Cheers.

30.6.17

Five essential Dixie Chicks songs not on The Essential Dixie Chicks Album

My random Dixie Chicks googling lead me to a link for the compilation entitled The Essential Dixie Chicks album. I did not buy this album as there is no need to buy a greatest hits collection when one owns every album - including the three without Natalie. So, I was shocked when I saw the track list and realized five essential songs were missing from this "essential" list.

I will assume that Natalie, Martie and Emily made this list and they would know what's more essential than I. However, as a diehard fan, I cannot look at this track list and not wonder why these five songs are not there. So here are the five essential songs that I think should be on The Essential Dixie Chicks album.

Thin Line

Thin Line - which is a bonus track on Taking The Long Way - is in my opinion one of the best songs on the album. The groove is fantastic and the lyrics are right on. "Some days rock and some days roll and some seem to last forever Some days it's all you want and some days it's never never." That's pretty much life right there. Taking The Long Way is over represented on The Essentials - eight songs - and I think Thin Line is way better than Lubbuck or Leave It and Everybody Knows





If I Fall You're Going Down With Me

If I Fall You're Going Down With Me is my jam. Another song with a solid groove and great lyrics. The great thing about this song is the arrangement allows for all three Chicks to exploit their talents which they do fantastically. Fly has the most songs on The Essential Dixie Chicks album with nine and while all of them are good songs, I'd trade If I Fall You're Going Down With Me for Some Days You Gotta Dance.




Once You've Loved Somebody

Once You've Loved Somebody is one of the best songs ever to capture that defeated feeling after a relationship. It's the kind of song that reaches into your chest, touches your heart and strokes it gently while whispering "I totally get you right now." That's what the Dixie Chicks to best and this is one of their best examples of that ability. It is definitely an essential.



Cold Day in July

I actually had to copy The Essentials track list, paste it into Word and then print it on paper so I could use a pen and my glasses to make sure Cold Day in July was not on the album. WTF! Like seriously. W. T. F.! One of the more prominent memories I have from seeing The Dixie Chicks at the United Center back in 2000 was them performing Cold Day in July and fake snow raining down on the crowd. Sure this song is attached to a memory and that's why I think it's so amazing. However, the song is outstanding. I am willing to bet that if you asked every Dixie Chicks fan to jot down their top 30 DCX songs, Cold Day in July would make eighty-five percent of those lists.




Am I the Only One (Who's Ever Felt This Way) 

Remember when I said the Dixie Chicks have the ability to reach into your chest, touch your heart and stroke it gently while whispering "I totally get you right now? Well, no song does that better than Am I the Only One (Who's Ever Felt This Way). At one point or another in our lives, we have all found ourselves sitting in dimly lit room, alone, clutching a glass of something stronger than soda, completely smothered by the emptiness screaming - internally or externally, "God help me" wondering "Am I the only one who's ever felt this way." This song is as essential as it gets and could easily replace Easy Silence, White Trash Wedding or Bitter End on the album.





There it is. The five essential Dixie Chicks songs that are not on The Essential Dixie Chicks album that I think should be on the album. Do you have a song or five that you think should be on The Essentials album that is not? Hit me up on Twitter - @usanegro - and let me know what those songs are.

Cheers!